My “Our Flag Means Death” Post Means Well

It’s funny (maybe. It’s possible it’s just somewhat interesting), you’d think writing about my opinion of a show would be super easy. But it’s not, so I’m not going to do it. It’s just too annoying. But I keep getting the idea to try so I’m doing this to explain to myself why it’s a bad idea.

It begins when I watch a thing or read a thing (or sometimes listen to a thing, but not quite as often). Then I’ll have strong feelings about the thing. I’ll think to myself “I have such strong feelings about this thing. I ought to write about them.” So I sit down to do it and instantly discover I’ve got nothing to say. Well, I have nothing of my own to say. Instead, I just have the actual thing still echoing in my mind. But that’s okay because I need to put my own sloppy version on the page for context. Never mind that most people reading the review have probably watched it already. I’m supposed to tell you in my own words what the authors, actors, musicians— whoever—  already provided. But when I do it it’ll be sorely lacking. The book might be better than the movie but both are better than the blog post. Ideally, I experience the thing again. I rewatch the movie or reread the book. I don’t think anyone does that. I guess I could take notes while it’s happening, but then how would I be able to play Candy Crush? The least I could do is some research just to be sure I had the details right. But I don’t want to have to do any of that just to feel like I’m allowed to put my little pop culture thoughts on this here internet.

Take “Our Flag Means Death,” (OFMD) for instance, since it’s what inspired me most recently to do this kind of post. Spoilers for the first season here. Inaccurate and/or vague spoilers, but spoilers nonetheless. The only character names I know are Blackbeard who I’ll refer to as “BB,” and Stede, who I’ll refer to as “Stede.” Everyone else is a shot in the dark. When I think of Stede, I hear it the way the Flight of the Conchords say “Steve” in one of their songs. I don’t think it’s because the actor who plays Stede played the band’s manager in the show, but at the same time it seems like a bit much for it to be just a coincidence, so I guess I don’t know. And I also don’t know what song it is. I could find out but that’s exactly the kind of research I’m hoping to avoid in this post, along with looking up the names of Stede’s crew members, BB’s Sniveling Sex-creep, Ghostbusters Lady, Portlandia Guy (PortMandia?), to misname a few, along with details like when the story is set or how far apart all these islands and ports are supposed to be from one another. And doing all that work would be just to get going! That would simply be finding my way to the starting line.

Ugh, I’m already tired.

Photo by Martin Sanchez on Unsplash

And then to actually start the piece, first I’d have to say something like OFMD, the great —but it’d have to be a better adjective than great— new show on HBO is like, so good —but again, a better adjective. I loved so many things about it. From the way some of the characters are gay to the way all of the other characters are gay, to some other delightful aspect I can’t think of at the moment. After a bit more of the same, I’d have to let the hammer drop: But the ending wasn’t so great, except I’d probably try to say something kinda clever like, but I found that the plank wasn’t as long of a walk as I would have liked, then spend three hours trying to make it sound good, and still not quite nailing it. 

I didn’t like the ending because it was uneven, I’d say. Then, because I feel like that says a lot more than I know it actually does, I’d get very frustrated. Like near-tears frustrated. After I talked myself down from that ridiculousness, I’d continue. All the characters were in a different place, not just physically, but emotionally, and that’s the real problem. BB was miserably off the deep end while his lackey was self-satisfied and happy even with the scent of toe still on his breath. The crew was miserably stranded and confused as they realized BB wasn’t coming back for them. All while Writer Guy is possibly dead. Probably dead? If not, at least miserably off the (literal) deep end and miserably stranded. And, so far, that’s great. All of that is of a piece. The people we like are down, the annoying sniveling jerky guy is up. That all makes sense. This, I hope, shows that I “get” and like the show, giving my complaint more… ballast.

But Stede! Stede. They (the creators, writers, producers, etc) should have left him with his family, miserably alone with his wife and children. I think that’s what I needed. I want him to be as upset as his friends and lover! I don’t want him full of hope and determination. I want him to steep in his pain. Flounder in agony. Dwell in despair. 

I feel like his whole last bit should have been saved for the beginning of the next season. His “escape” from his hometown was so much fun. Such a great scene and it was kinda ruined by being juxtaposed with BB turning back to that ole dark side. The shifting tone was so violent I got seasick. (hey I put a joke in there!)

And I would want to end it there but it seems like you can’t leave it at that. I don’t want to talk about any other part of the episode or the show, but I’d feel obliged to include at least a little more. Maybe reiterate that it was good. Maybe mention how I liked how different pirate guys reminded me of different gay guys I’ve known throughout my life, making vague references and tenuous connections between the show and real life, but I’m not excited to do that. The only thing I really want to say is I like the show because of how it made me feel and I didn’t like the ending because of how it made me feel. All of the other stuff around it is to give that one line a foundation and make this post feel like something more than the single tweet it probably should have been. 

And the above mess is why I don’t write about pop culture. Except when I do. 

That really is a lot of words for not a whole lot.

And let’s not even get started on how hard it is to write a wrap-up and ending that isn’t too abrupt.