You Might Be in a Pandemic if. . .
Hello from the inside edge of a pandemic!
Are you in a pandemic? Unsure? Want to be sure? If so, here’s some good news- in the form of a helpful list! 19 (an arbitrarily decided upon number) signs, hints, clues, and a portent or two that you might be in a pandemic. . .
If you’re not sure if you’ve gotten past your depression, or just gotten used to it. . .
If you’ve forgotten what the touch of another human feels like. . .
If you distinguish “day pajamas” from “night pajamas,” but it’s all just underwear. . .
If people around you have come to take on an air of authority when talking about epidemiology. . .
If your muscles ache from all the exercise that you’re not doing. . .
If you’ve begun expressing yourself through the medium of “zoom background”. . .
If you’ve learned how to accessorize a facemask. . .
If you’ve ever shudder in horror at the sight of a tightly packed, unmasked crowd. . .
If you’ve decided that cutting your own hair “isn’t so hard”. . .
If you’ve ever felt compelled to scrub your groceries before you put them away. . .
Bath time!
11. If you’ve looked directly into the eyes of your boss while sitting on the toilet. . .
12. If the phrase “considering everything going on” is needed to qualify every piece of good news you share, no matter how small. . .
13. If you’ve ever said “I’m going outside for some fresh air,” and then stood on the sidewalk and screamed at the sky for sixty-six seconds. . .
14. If you miss lines, traffic, purses, being late for things, and/or cleaning up a stranger’s vomit after a house party. . .
15. If you know what it feels like to forget that shoes exist. . .
16. If “wearing protection” no longer refers to having safe sex. . .
17. If you don’t remember the last time you had a moment to yourself, and the closest thing you get to “alone time” is the existential fear that keeps you awake at night. . .
18. If you’ve recently become the oldest member of your family. . .
19. If you’ve spent the last year trying to figure out what it means to be a live performer in a world where live performances have changed altogether and for the foreseeable fluture. . .
YOU might be in a pandemic.
