Re:Signs

I want to continue my break from stand-up, though I do miss it. Parts of it anyway: comic friends who I only see on social media these days, the warmth of the stage, the sound of an audience laughing as one, and the feeling of having made it happen. And I have a lot of good memories associated with it too. So it’s easy to begin building an argument to convince myself to return to it. That is, when I don’t think about any of the bad stuff: sitting through bad comedy, sitting through good comedy that I’ve heard countless times before, resisting the urge to drink, having a bad set, having a good set that I’ve done countless times before, drinking too much coffee at night, feeling like I’m a second-year senior for six years running, and knowing that I’m good but not quite good enough to get to the next level.

I quite obviously am not ready to get back out there and into “the grind.”. So why don’t I just not go? Why do I need to make a big announcement (though, considering how few people will read this, “big” is a big overstatement)? Why am I writing this post?

Well, in part because I need something to write about and this is as good as anything. But mostly because I felt like my last post implied that I was going to (bravely) return. It was about signs and how the Universe was trying to warn me about all the things that could go wrong when I go out into the world to do things, and how I was so (very!) brave to face those things by going out anyway. Which, I mean, I guess there is a sort of bravery involved in doing stand-up, but it’s not directly related to any of the three things that happened to me that week. Those three things were reminders of the three most common ways or forms that other people can mess with your inner peace: unresolved old relationships resurfacing, awkward and/or uncomfortable social interactions, and literal physical assault.

But, like I said, none of that has anything to do with stand-up. In fact, you don’t even need to leave the house to have any of those things happen to you. You can be made miserable by other people in the discomfort of your own home.

Nonetheless, I connected those things to each other and then all of them to stand-up and then turned around and declared I’d be soldiering on in pursuit of stand-up because the signs against going out were actually signs for going out. And honestly I haven’t strained myself doing that much stretching and twisting since I gave up Bikram Yoga. Japanese ham sandwich indeed.

I made a whole post saying they were signs from the Universe to me, but that the likely interpretation was wrong, actually. And I did all of that while conveniently leaving out (as a result of me inconveniently forgetting) the other signs from the Universe that were more plainly in favor of me going back to stand-up. I don’t want to sidebar too long on what those signs were, but I’d be remiss if I left them out entirely, so here they are, in brief: I asked my wife if she’d mind if I began “the grind” again and all that would entail and she was nothing if not enthusiastic about it (possibly just at the thought of having me out of the house more often, but still); I vagueposted on FB about returning and you’d think all my friends’ accounts were just puppet accounts run by wife they were so supportive; and I bought four packs of Lego Muppet minifigs while telling myself that if I got a Fozzie I’d go back, and I ended up getting two. So yeah, I asked for signs from the Universe and the signs abounded around me until they were all I saw.

Or maybe my wife has puppet accounts AND Muppet accounts?

But then I realized if I really wanted to return I wouldn’t need these signs. I’d just return. It’s not a party. I don’t need an invitation to go back into stand-up. I’m not a vampire trying to gain access to your house. Sure, I have a problem with my reflection but that’s a whole ‘nother post.

It seems like, when I look at all of this now, what I was really looking for was just an excuse. I wanted something to tell me I was wanted in stand-up but I shouldn’t actually go back. I wanted to be wanted but I also wanted an out. And all the signs I seemingly received gave me exactly that. The Universe said, “go.” And when I went it said, “um, actually, no.” Because of course, we only see the signs we want to see.

But at the same time, I knew I couldn’t very well sign over my future to a few incidents I decided were signs from the Universe. So I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes to my lack of a spine. Or, in other words, I realized it’s a bad sign when you resign yourself to looking for signs from the Universe to tell you what you want to hear. And now it’s time to stop my sighing, redesign my goals, and de-sign my life.