Technically Happier

Well after being hopeless sad and introspective in a poorly expressed way for the past two posts, I’m beginning this with the intention of making a happier entry. It’s been two weeks now since the girls returned to school and I’m falling into what looks to be more or less like my new routine. I spend my mornings gently waking up and getting ready for a quiet day. I do some mild exercise and writing, do some light housekeeping, and take care of our lazy dog. Then, after all that time to myself, I have a few hours alone. 

And as a result, I have a lot more time to think now, and wow, it’s shocking that most thoughts aren’t helpful or good. Not mine anyway. Shocking because I guess I always thought of thinking as essentially good. I’ve always been attracted to philosophy and skepticism and living an examined life. But now I’m like, “too much examining and not enough life worth living,” you know? I’m just getting stuck. 

You and me both, sister!

Last night I had one of those epiphanies that I can’t really decide if it’s insightful or not. The more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes, but there’s really no way of knowing other than sharing it and seeing what people say: People do things to get themselves to stop thinking. Lol, I’m just gonna stop right here to jump in and confirm that, yeah, this is pretty dumb. And no, it’s not very insightful. But let’s continue. Like, when I was feeling sad a few weeks ago, I realized I could just give myself a bunch of stuff to do and focus on that. And doing that began to make me feel better, which led me to come to the (amazing) conclusion that at least some other people stay busy to keep themselves from getting bogged down in thoughts. Like, I used to think “hey look at me, I’m too smart having thoughts over here to be doing stuff, too bad you guys are all idiots running around with your empty heads all day, watching tv at night, and whatnot.” But maybe I generally don’t feel motivated to do stuff because I actually have fewer thoughts than average, which is not enough to aggravate me into action. They come at a slow manageable trickle and it’s not until some big event happens, opening the floodgates, that I feel like I need to find all these distractions. 

So anyway, yeah the “more time to think” isn’t good. It doesn’t feel like it brings me anywhere positive. it’s like I’m metaphorically (obviously) going all the way down into hades to get something and then the game is fighting my way back up to the land of the living— a wakeful version of the dreaming I do in which I become entangled or ensnared in these mental traps I’ve set for myself. But! I’m not trying to sink too deep into my thoughts about thinking. I wanted this to be a happier (and thus, to my mind, lighter) post so I’m gonna end it here. The more I add the more it wants to get all tangled up with abstractions, like some sort of high-concept thought-raccoon who can’t let go of some shiny new meme.

Instead, I need to think less and do more (and somewhat paradoxically, that does include writing). I don’t feel like being productive is an intrinsically better activity, but it does lead me to feel better. And I think that’s a good start.