Writing Without the Me #8

Exercise #14 Inventions

Here’s another entry in my mostly-weekly series in an attempt to be a better writer. Today’s exercise is called “Inventions” but the real point of this one was writing the ad copy for it. We were supposed to come up with an invention and write an advertising brochure for it because this book was written before the Internet was a thing. What I wrote is probably more like a script for a short sketch for YouTube or TikTok (or whatever has since taken their place):

Hello, Friends. I’m Teddy Riley, singer, songwriter, and co-founder of popular 90s R&B group, Blackstreet, here to talk to you about an exciting new invention!

Do you wear clothes? Sure you do. Do they get dirty? Of course— how could they not? You live a busy life. And I’m assuming you put them in the dirty laundry afterward? Because where else would they end up, right? So in they go. And then what? They sit there in the hamper and fester while waiting to be washed. That’s what. And then it’s time to wash them in the washing machine, right? But before they go in the washing machine, they gotta come out of the hamper. So what do you do? You gotta dig out your disgusting clothes like a laundry-fig pig rooting for a laundry-fig. You gotta… go diggity. All so you can put those gross clothes in a second bin before you add soap— make sure you put enough in there, you dirty little pig!— close the lid and hit start. Phew!

You, probably.

But what if I told you there was a better way? A way where you didn’t have to do all that nasty work of thrusting your hands into those soiled fabrics to pull them out, just to get them spinning in another bin? Sound good? I sure fucking hope so. Because that’s exactly what “The Hamping Machine” is. A better way. With its patented bin technology, the Hamping Machine is your one-step solution to digging through your own filth.

And it’s so simple!

Simply put the “Hamping Hamper” (not included) wherever you keep your hamper now. Then simply fill it up with the foul clothing you peel off your decaying body at the end of your “busy” day. When it’s simply full, simply attached “The Hamping Hand Cart” (not included) to your Hamping Hamper (still not included). Now simply wheel it to wherever you decide to install the Hamping Machine (we recommend the kitchen, though any place with access to an outlet designed for an oven or an electric car will do), and you’re already halfway done!

At this simple point, you’re ready to simply insert the Hamping Hamper into the Hamping Load Loading Machine (not included), engage our patented Bluetooth-enabled pulley system, and crank the lever for a simple five minutes (give or take twelve). When you begin to hear the clicking sound you’re simply almost there. Count every other click and then stop when you get to Z. Then simply close the lid, fasten the safety latch, clear the room of small pets, set the timer, and give it some space, because your clothes are about to get CLEAN! It’s so simple, a very strong child could do it with close supervision! And you don’t have to dig through your dirty clothes at all. Not even once. That’s the Teddy Riley “No Diggity” guarantee.

And remember, when the Hamping Machine is a rockin’, the load is unbalanced and immediate evacuation of the premises is strongly recommended.